https://epicassist.org/different-ways-to-say-r-u-ok/
The flashback
I was here thinking about the day when my boss discovered I was not okay as I recounted in my blog; https://sadrineinfrastructureservices.com/2023/02/17/mindfulness-changes-series-003. When my boss asked me how I was, my initial response was that I was okay. However, he didn’t just take my word for it. He took the time on the following day to gain an understanding of my emotional state. The truth was that I was not okay. On the surface, I was smiling, but for a considerable period of time, I was in a state of depression. I was questioning the purpose of my existence and often felt the urge to commit suicide. Additionally, I was considering leaving my job without having any plans to work elsewhere.
My boss’ genuine concern, of wanting to know how I was feeling wasn’t a small action. He took the time to reach out to me and engage in a conversation that had a positive effect on my life. Not only was he was kind and understanding, taking the time to listen to me without judgement. But he also provided me with the message of “Heal first” which had a profound effect on my soul and spirit. After a while, I found purpose in my life again and am now completely free of painful emotions. What a blessing of my workplace God has bestowed unto me. A lot of changes and improvements have occurred in my life because of my work colleagues’ genuine care about my well-being. And for ever I will be grateful.
Now my experience above, let my spirit into pondering about the question below.
“How many lives of people would improve, heal, or get saved from danger if you and me instead of using “Are you okay” or “How are you” as just a common thread; started using it as a desire to connect at a deeper level and get to understand someone’s personal emotional and hidden intentions.” “Wouldn’t that help save lives of those thinking of committing suicide?” “Won’t we be helping on solving a number of mental issues that lie within people’s psychological well-being?”
The Weight of a Question: “How are you” or “Are you okay.”
The question “How are you” or “Are you okay” is frequently used as a form of greeting, yet it is often not intended to be sincere. We ask it without any thought or intention to seek an honest answer. The truth is that most of us wear the mask of pretense. On the surface, everything seems to be good, okay or fine when internally it is not actually the case. To us who ask the question, and to us you answer the question; we all follow a social script. We pretend to be okay and whenever asked “How are you” or “Are you okay” we answer with, “I am fine” or “I am okay” without truly sharing our emotional states. It is like we have crammed the question as a way of greeting without any consideration that it is okay not to be okay.
Imagine mental health issues in the lives of people surrounding them in silence. If the question “How are you” or “Are you okay” is asked genuinely, it can be a doorway to connecting and understanding the heart of someone being asked that question. It can make someone break the silence which can be a signal that they can go ahead to talk about their feelings and struggles.
This question is a password towards someone’s emotional world that can aid in unveiling hidden emotions of joy or sorrow. And enable you to offer support in case someone is going through a difficult time. Genuine care and interest are signs that we are interested in the experiences, struggles, and mental state of those around us or those we meet. Therefore, we must begin to utilize the power that lies within the question rather than simply just using it as a form of greeting or just asking it to look nice.
How to ask the question “How are you” or “Are you Okay” with sincerity
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Reach out to someone in a compassionate manner and make eye contact.
Whenever you want to speak to someone in a meaningful way, try to approach them with compassion and concern. Show empathy with your body language and ask a simple question like, “Are you okay?” Make sure to look them in the eye while you’re doing this, so you can show your genuine interest and concern.
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See if there are any red flags that could be a sign that someone is not okay, even though they’ve said they’re.
There are many ways to tell if someone is okay or not by looking at their cues and gestures. For example, you can tell if someone is not okay by their body language say, if they avoid eye contact or look tense. You can also tell if they are not fine by their facial expressions say, when they smile but their smile looks forced or when they look sad or sighing. The person’s voice and tone, particularly when you are familiar with the way they communicate when they are in a good mood, can tell you if they are truly okay. If a person simply responds with a brief statement of “I am fine or okay” and does not provide any further information, even when you insist may be an indication that they are not in a good mood and are not willing to discuss their emotions.
When a person withdraws from a conversation, or changes in behavior, stops engaging in social activities or changes in sleep patterns, may be a sign of concern. Sometimes your instincts may just tell you the someone isn’t okay. Whatever the case is, use the “I am fine” response backed up by their gestures and explore further with sensitivity if they are truly okay.
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Ask Open-Ended Questions
Once someone has said, “I’m okay” and you have seen any signs that they might not be OK, go ahead and ask them some more questions. It’s important to remember that asking a person if they’re okay just leads to a “yes” or “no” answer. But if you ask them some more open-ended questions, it can give them the chance to tell you more about themselves. For instance, you could ask them some of the following questions:
- “I noticed you mentioned that you’re okay, but I sense something might be bothering you. Would you like to talk about it?”
- ” I’ve noticed you seem a bit different lately or “I’ve noticed you’ve been looking a bit down lately. Can you tell me more about what’s been going on in your life recently?”
- Is there something specific you’d like to discuss or share with me today?
- What does “being okay” mean to you right now? Or What’s been going through your mind when you say you’re okay?
- Is there anything you feel you need right now to feel better or more supported?
- Do not make assumptions but instead listen attentively
Don’t try to make sense of someone’s situation without knowing what they’re going through. Try to be open to their point of view. Most of the time we ask the question “how are you” or “are you okay” while in a rush. And of course, most of the time the response will be affirmative, even if it is not. Therefore, after asking the question, particularly an open-ended question, give the individual an opportunity to respond. Listen carefully to what the individual has to say, without interruption. Resist the urge to jump in with advice, solutions, or your own stories unless someone has expressed themselves fully.
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Share your vulnerability
Vulnerability is the foundation of trust. And it is only when this trust is established that an individual will be willing to share their vulnerabilities. I learned the concept of vulnerability in my workplace after reading the book, “The Five Dysfunction of a Team” by Patrick Lencioni. I learnt that the “absence of trust” referred to as the “first dysfunction” of the team in the book, is caused by team members who are not willing to share their innermost feelings. According to Patrick, the solution to this absence of trust is to create conversations or activities that are based on vulnerability.
Know that most of the time a person will keep his or her struggles hidden, perpetuating the cycle of surface level interactions because of your invulnerability. Someone won’t authentically open up to you however much you insist because they feel insecure trusting you, fear being judged or because they are imperfect and yet they see you as a perfect person. You could look very skilled, very strong with no weaknesses and you may look like someone who doesn’t make mistakes at all. Therefore, if you genuinely want to know if someone is okay, it is important to take the time to share your own struggles, imperfections and humanity with them. This will also encourage them to share their inner emotions with you too.
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Avoid being judgmental
It is essential to recognize that all experiences and feelings are valid. Rather than expressing judgement, it is beneficial to express that you are concerned about the individual’s well-being and that you are available to provide support. For example, saying, “I am here for you” can be a meaningful way to convey that someone’s feelings are important and that you want to understand them.
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Be respectful of someone’s boundaries and privacy
There are going to be times when someone doesn’t want to talk or isn’t ready to tell you how they’re feeling. If that’s the case, don’t pressure or push them into talking as this will only add to discomfort. Instead accept and respect their decision not to share. There may be reasons for keeping their feelings private. And, it’s their right to do so. Let the person know you’re there for them whenever they’re ready to talk and do not insist on it. Be patient and allow the person to choose for themselves the right time to share reason being every person have their own pace when it comes to processing emotions and deciding to share.
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Offer Help and Resources
If someone expresses that they are having difficulty, provide them with support. You may suggest that they seek professional assistance, or counseling. Alternatively, you may state a particular tip that has helped you in the past . Or a tip you have read about and had helped someone. You can recommend a particular book to read regarding the difficulty someone is facing, environments to join, videos to watch, people to listen to etcetera.
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Follow Up
Keep in touch with the individual on a regular basis. Particularly if they have indicated that they are facing a difficult situation. Let them know that you remain available for ongoing assistance. A simple text message or phone call can demonstrate that you remain concerned and care about their well-being.
A call for action
In a world where mental health issues often go unspoken and unnoticed, our willingness to openly ask, “How are you” or “Are you okay” with sincerity following the tips shared herein can be a lifesaver for someone in need. This blog is a cry for help. People are not okay; they are rotting with pain. And they do not know that it is OK not to be okay. People’s minds are full. Mental barriers are in the way of people living their life to the fullest. Some people are burning out every day and are mentally thinking of committing suicide. Mental health issues like insomnia, problems focusing, anxiety disorders, mood disorders, depression, frustrations etcetera are making people’s lives a nuisance.
Who is to help? “It’s you and me”. Let us all start having honest and genuine discussions with people about how they are doing. We can all create an environment in our spaces where it is okay not to be okay. And where seeking help or support is not seen as a sign of weakness. A genuine “Are you okay?” can make a world of difference in someone’s life. This question is a small yet powerful action that can break down the stigma surrounding someone’s mental health. It can prevent someone from feeling isolated, hopeless, or overwhelmed. And it can remind someone they are not alone in their struggles.
It’s just a simple three-letter phrase. “How are you” or “Are you okay?” And it shouldn’t take us more than a few minutes. Someone in your space needs your attention. Please don’t ignore them. Break some silence today by asking someone genuinely “Are you okay?” you may repeat and say “Are you really, okay? You can also turn the torch to yourself and ask, “Am I really, okay? Given that your inner answer is “NO” please make sure that you seek help.
Reflection
Have you ever had an experience where you genuinely asked someone “How are you?” or “Are you okay?” Did it have a positive effect on their emotional well-being like it did on me when my boss asked? Do you take the time to notice any signs of hidden emotions when someone is answering your question? Do you ask open ended questions to encourage deeper and more meaningful conversations? Whereas you want someone to share their struggles with you, do you share your struggles with them first? How do you envision yourself evolving as a person if you make an effort to connect with others at a deeper emotional level? What impact do you think you will make on the world if you create an environment where people are comfortable discussing their emotional states. If this message speaks to your spirit and soul, please take action today.
**********Thank you for sparing your time to read*********
