A Personal Experience with “Why” Questions
On July 8, 2024, I led a Monday meeting where each colleague was expected to outline their weekly programs and targets. As part of these targets, I anticipated that everyone as it is a culture at our workplace SADRiNE, would include some form of reading—whether it be a book, a podcast, or a YouTube video. During the meeting, one colleague hesitated to add reading to their list. Feeling concerned, I asked, “Why aren’t you planning to read?”
Unfortunately, this question led to an uncomfortable conversation. My colleague felt pressured and expressed that they were being forced into something they weren’t comfortable with. This experience left me reflecting on the importance of how we frame our questions and interactions.
This incident also reminded me of a powerful statement I came across in Bernard Roth’s book, “The Achievement Habit: Stop Wishing, Start Doing and Take Command of Your Life”. Roth said:
“It is not good practice to ask people questions with the word “why.” Asking people why they do something can sometimes have negative consequences, instead try communicating your own reaction”.
In this statement, Roth advises against asking “why” questions, as they can lead to defensiveness and negative outcomes. Instead, he suggests expressing your own reactions and feelings.
Looking back, I realized that if I had communicated my own reaction instead, the conversation might have taken a more positive turn. For instance, I could have said, “I find that incorporating reading into my weekly routine really helps me stay informed and inspired. I’m curious about what helps you feel engaged and motivated in your work.” This approach could have opened up a more supportive dialogue, allowing my colleague to share their perspective without feeling judged or pressured.
The Psychological Perspective: Understanding the Impact of “Why”
From a psychological standpoint, “why” questions can trigger defensive mechanisms. When people feel attacked or blamed, their natural response is to defend themselves, which can hinder productive communication. On the other hand, expressing your feelings creates a non-threatening environment where the other person feels less attacked and more understood.
By avoiding “why” questions, you also reduce the risk of reinforcing negative patterns. People often have deep-seated reasons for their actions, which may not be immediately apparent. “Why” questions can sometimes lead to surface-level answers that don’t address the root cause of an issue. Communicating your reaction, however, encourages deeper reflection and more meaningful conversations.
Let’s explore this concept through real-life scenarios.
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Personal Relationships: Fostering Understanding and Compassion
In personal relationships, the question “why” can inadvertently put someone on the defensive. Consider a scenario where a partner is habitually late for plans. Asking, “Why are you always late?” might provoke defensiveness or excuses, rather than an open conversation.
Instead, expressing your own reaction could be more productive: “When you’re late, I feel unimportant, and it makes me worry that something might have happened to you.” This shifts the focus from blame to understanding, creating space for a more empathetic dialogue. Your partner is more likely to share their perspective and work with you towards a solution.
Additionally, this method can prevent arguments from escalating. When one partner feels attacked, it can quickly turn a simple misunderstanding into a heated argument. By focusing on your feelings rather than accusing, you create a safer environment for honest communication.
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Workplace Dynamics: Enhancing Collaboration and Problem-Solving
In a professional setting, questioning a colleague’s actions with “why” can similarly evoke defensiveness or hostility. Imagine a team member misses a deadline. Asking, “Why did you miss the deadline?” might come across as accusatory.
Alternatively, sharing your own reaction might foster a collaborative environment: “When the deadline was missed, I felt stressed because it affects our project timeline. Can we discuss what happened and how we can avoid it in the future?” This approach not only opens up a dialogue for finding solutions but also strengthens the sense of teamwork and mutual respect.
Furthermore, this method encourages a culture of accountability and support. When team members feel safe to discuss their challenges without fear of blame, they are more likely to seek help and collaborate on solutions proactively.
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Self-Improvement: Embracing Reflection and Growth
On a personal level, asking “why” can sometimes lead to unproductive introspection. When faced with setbacks, such as failing to meet a fitness goal, asking yourself, “Why did I fail?” can spiral into negative self-talk and de-motivation.
A more constructive approach is to focus on your reactions and feelings: “I feel disappointed because I didn’t reach my fitness goal this month. What can I change in my routine to improve next month?” This shifts the focus from self-blame to actionable steps, fostering a mindset geared towards growth and improvement.
By re-framing the situation, you can turn setbacks into learning opportunities. This approach helps maintain motivation and encourages continuous self-improvement, as it emphasizes solutions over problems.
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Parenting: Building Trust and Encouragement
In parenting, “why” questions can often lead to frustration or confusion, especially with younger children who might not have the vocabulary to express their reasoning. For instance, if a child neglects their homework, asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?” might result in vague answers or silence.
Expressing your reaction can be more effective: “When you don’t do your homework, I worry about your progress in school. How can I help you manage your homework better?” This not only expresses concern but also offers support, making it easier for the child to open up and find solutions together.
Moreover, this approach teaches children to articulate their feelings and needs, fostering emotional intelligence and communication skills. It also helps build a trusting relationship, as children feel understood and supported rather than judged.
Practical Tips for Implementation
- Pause and Reflect: Before reacting with a “why” question, take a moment to reflect on your feelings and how best to communicate them.
- Use “I” Statements: Frame your concerns using “I” statements to express how you feel and why. For example, “I felt disappointed when the report was delayed because it affects our timeline.”
- Be Specific and Constructive: Focus on specific behaviors and constructive feedback. Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you finish the project?” try, “I noticed the project isn’t finished, and it concerns me because of our deadline. How can we address this?”
- Practice Active Listening: Encourage open dialogue by actively listening to the other person’s perspective. Show empathy and understanding to build trust and find collaborative solutions.
Conclusion
Bernard Roth’s advice to avoid asking “why” and instead communicate your own reactions can transform interactions across various aspects of life. By shifting the focus from blame to understanding, we foster more empathetic, collaborative, and solution-oriented conversations. Whether in personal relationships, professional settings, or self-improvement journeys, this approach helps build trust, encourages open dialogue, and promotes a growth mindset. So next time you’re tempted to ask “why,” pause and consider expressing how you feel instead. You might be surprised by the positive outcomes.
